reconstructing deconstructivism

fuckin fuckertash

yeah!

I really have nothing to say but i feel as if i should be doing something. Maybe I'm just having an attack of unapathy. Maybe i care. Maybe. Only a few short weeks before my life changes for good, not that this is a bad thing, but life as we all know it has a pattern and is generally a fan of change and life generally begets life. That being the reason for the change and most likely the reason for the said and unusual affliction. All this gets me to thinking about the world as it is and where it's going in the context of my expectant joint legacy (with my wife of course). In the past I have been inclined to and (the imaginary reader) may have noticed my affinity for calling the world the great fucking whore that it appears to be. Sadly this is only acceptable when the levels of ones own self loathing matches the general cruelty that the complicated system of humanity and its conditions inflicts upon itself. I cannot indulge in this sort of judgement now. It is not acceptable. My life now actually has meaning, the only real meaning that any life can obtain and as such my life has taken on a semantic simplicity and the more complex scenario of living with the renewed responsibility of 'real life in the real world'. Not that that changes anything. No time to live in ones head. Now i live. Now i need not ponder the deeper metaphysical aspects of existence, now my existence is required to do what it must; necessitate it's self. Now more than ever i am critically aware of the continuing relationship between order and chaos. We need both!- indeed order is a nesessary product of chaos which in turn explains and secures our existence and the reason for me writing this. Having a baby. While reason may faulter and change time still marches on. And while there is time all possiblities will eventuate including this. Any questions??

god isnt dead he's just a bastard true story.

what's this i hear you say?? Tim your talking to yourself again this morning and for what purpose? ( as if we had to ask) maybe I'm nearly tired of telling everyone to fuck off but the realities of this world can be somewhat depressing and i don't have the energy or the inclination to try and take the whole behemoth down. And you know that we can only blame ourselves if we believe (and like me I'm sure you do) that we are essentially good people albeit human (all too human). What have we done? to help this world to change this world to augment even a tiny bit of the malaise that we have had installed in us the rampant apathy that allows certain people who are just as apathetic to humanity but far more wealthy to have exactly what they want while we get to 'grow up' and come to grips with the realisation that 'you can't always get what you want' and indeed so many people can't even get what they desperately need. My real problem in this is that i am not a socialist or communist by political persuasion mainly because the ideology while hugely attractive on the surface sadly neglects to take into account facets of human nature, mainly of humans as animals. So where do we go from here?? by the way this is an opportunity for someone to give me an answer.

you know whats sad??? the fact that for the vast majority of the time this world inspires me to do no more than hurl abuse at an imaginary reader.

i like the sound of my internet voice pity no one else does. So a message for all of you, and i cant remember if ive told you before or not but anywayz here we go.............. go fuck yourself you arrogant self serving self centered monkeys you have no appreciation of irony.

no one likes me ............. sad face

one too many

hello keyboard........................ no making no sense is yes. True story. So what's the word keyboard???????? i'm a junkie with a monkey........ a funky junkey. Do that dance sing that song write sometin stupid put on a thong. That rhymes.

um

um what? who are you talkin to?? leave me alone!

poetryatrics

poetryatrics
oranges and lemons

I've been practicing my braveface lately
i do it by eating lemons and trying not to let it show
it's hard but i know i need to do it.
My braveface has to be brave and strong because i am cowardly and weak
and this world is cruel and malevlolent taking aim at anyone
who doesn't have it in them to twist the blade

oh kay

oh God!
March 21st 2009 02:28
word file 2020……………….Mr fuckpants lost jessys game bout to get whcked.s. anywyas this writing bullshit is cutting into nmy facebook time. Bastards really do exist……. Not like the vampires or anything else, actually children out of wedlock---strange word. And im in a strange mood but I figured hey tim you lazy fuck wad you need to start writing otherwise your life will have nothing electronically stored to show except photos--- true story motherfucker. Rumrum rum I like sex in the bum bumb bumbum. Yes really…… And no I cant say anything intelligent without either coming across pretentious or just plain stupid so I wont try. People in my experience either expect way too much or way too little of me and I don’t know which iprefer. What would you???? And after all these years and all my theories I still am no more sure about anything. Questions questions damned questions always fucking questions. Always trying to learn,,, always felling like im getting dumber by the day……..and my pretentions keep growing my need for grandiose fantasies evolve like evolution. Yeah that’s right evolution. That’s the buzz word that’s everything in a nut shell………… everything!!!!!!! Don’t think about it just live it and believe it follow the path.. yes that’s right evolve… accept change let it change you become stronger live develop…… be free fluid like a poplar in the wind…. Know your roots but accept change as the dominant force in life……… amen. And some other men also like finishing the days non sensical writing mid sentence. Even the non religious know that God plays games, maybe he’s seeing weather we can work out the puzzle maybe its nothing all I know is that somewhere deep inside everyone of us he instilled ( btw ladies the he thing is an convention and nothing more, for he is not any entity that any word backed by any conception of semantic value can accurately give meaning to. ‘He’ exisits outside our sphere which sadly includes all forms of human language and understanding.—and yet in some insignificant way we can come to know him which in turn can or maybe should be the most significant aspect of our own existence. WE NEED HIM!!!!!!!) the desire, --- no the need to be someone, something important. Our assessment of value is deeply entrenched in that. Look what happens when our own heirachy ( a sadly nessesary one) systematically takes apart ones value (ones desire to be valued)—columbine etc. People, most likely good people or at least with the same capacity for good and evil as we have decide that the only way they can recoup even the smallest portion of their value is to take away others, in the way that our own (nessesary!!) heirachy has done to them. Now im not saying that the bullies who drove these people to these things were behaving well but their behaviour just like these sad gunmen can be easily explained within our real social lexicon, not the code of behaviour that everyone can see through. Most people will cheat to get ahead if they can get away with it. After all life is a game of numbers--- of odds everyone plays the odds with one goal to try and live up to this need for value that this one cruel God has instilled in us knowing well that now there are far too many of us for everyone to have a slice of cake, some will, actually many many will die in the fight for the crumbs when they realize that the cake is gone. And I now have to live with the knowledge that I have to develop my own complex strategy to gain just a few crumbs, now I have a child on the way and a wife I have no choice but to prepare for the fight- to the death. And yes I will be willing to die for them to live willing to kill, whatever it takes. And some people (normally those safe in their fortresses eating a tasty slice) say they cannot understand these ‘bad men’ those that stole those that killed. This is our societies problem- most societies problem. The situations the worlds we get into are nearly always of our quest our need for value and our absolute need to protect and provide for our families. There is no absolute right or wrong in this world and I would speculate to say that there is no absolute anything. Einstein came up with more than a new way to look at space time and light, relativity applies to everything. Relativity and evolution are the two most important concepts to humanity. This world is too great for any one human to reconcile everything and yet our language—all language fails in some aspect when trying to combine all our efforts. I fear no fear is the wrong word I know that humans will not transcend our own bodies on masse. That is we cannot deny our own bodies our own biology the apparent key to our existence. And yet we have a taste ablissfull moment of enlightenment of truth before we realize that what stops us from floating away from finding our true utopia is that dreaded teather our own needs our own dreaded bodies. I cant think consistently or write consistently I hate reading im a terrible speller. But I get what I convince my self to believe to be magnificent, glorious insights into everything but not the genuine capacity to communicate it. Those fleeting moments encompass my value this being my feeble attempt to secure it. My curse as I suspect many others in the world is to be critically aware of my own impotence. This makes my path toward God a difficult one, for I am not predisposed to believing whole heartedly in anything let alone some force that governs my own existence for does that not diminish my personal value the one instilled by the very same force. We are meant to believe in God and not truly understand him and yet he ahs gifted me with questions, endless questions. Did I mention that I am not religious it’s a usefull way of enforcing a moral code,, a nessesary aspect of human evolution. And still there is this question of value. Oh well as the French say cest la vieBack to it again and now I have nothing to say. The world still confuses me despite all my attempts to tame the chaos to find a complete understanding I still find my self rehashing,, constantly going over the same concepts and crap again ad finitum. And where do I place my self modern working class??? Closet intellectual?? Why do I need to class myself as anything?? The latter is certainly the easiest to answer. That is we (humans) seem to need to put a box around everything to understand it. This I believe is the limit of human understanding. I always thought chaos theory is an oxymoron and I still believe that. There is no meaning in chaos only order-- all ordered systems have a specific discrete meaning in isolation ofcourse!! And we could know everything if and only if chaos never played a part but alas life is just a constant contest between order and chaos. What a jip oh fuck really God is order chaos is the devil and we need both. With out chaos evolution doesn’t exist. Without chaos there is no change . What ever the nature of chaos we need it it is nessesary though not always nice. Chaos creates the context the the essence of the concept of relativity. Each chaotic event creates a context to view an ordered sytem and in hindsight we can understand the ordered system in that context the context itself becomes part of the order. What then is chaotic is the unpredictability of each newly arriving context. Everytime man believes that he has included another chaotic process into his ordered system another chaotic process arrives. I believe that we will never find an order in chaos as I have said the nature of knowledge of understanding is to order it and as such to fully understand chaos we would have to eliminate it in which case it would not exist which in turn would devalue all knowledge as the concept of order itself would be defunct. The universe would be static maybe time itself would stop. It’s an interesting thought anyway. Man are these streaming toughts getting to me see what I mean and this itself was just supposed to be cathartic instead my head is pounding and im still having difficulty stopping oh no here it goes……………………….. na just kidding. This for anyone who ever reads it is my latest possibly my last attempt to find the bottom of myself………… the bottom of my thoughts. I am hoping as to where this may lead so again I realize just how human I am and by human I mean like everyone else. People think we are all different but we all share pretty much the same motivations. Here’s a question is a sociopath a sociopath if he never interacts with another organism in his entire life???? Interstin question.. I wonder if I will ever find my niche that’s all I want to make the most out of my mind. But how I don’t want to settle. I believe that I might be absurdly arrogant by being almost bipolar about arrogance and humility and again I don’t know if I want to save every one or kill everyone. I went through a phase in my life maybe a good 6 or 7 years ago that I believed that I was the type of person who could either be a earthly representation of jesus or satan I believe that all people with the requisite understanding would have to make a choice positive or negative. And again the understanding of such concepts is a matter of perspective……………. Relativity!!!!!!!!! I bet the marine animals of the world oh and the terrestrial aren’t that stoked that humans are doing so well because it is at their cost. Jesus you wnaker!!!!!!!! Alright that’s it im having a break fuck off all of you ! im serious don’t let me see your eyes hit this page for one more second… See what I mean by arrogant I would say lol. No hold on I did.

Hello blog

Hello im not sure who you are and im not sure that i care, hold on no, i am sure. I don't. You should be asking yourself who's wasting who's time here. But then i realise that i'm talking out loud to a computer. Who was the person who had something unsavoury to say about opinions?? what was that again??. Who gives a shit. Oh and i'm not actually apathetic this is my attempt at being clever and though you maybe clever enough to know that i'm not I now know that you have a sufficiently lame life with enough time to blog and even more you must actually have some sort of lofty opinion of yourself. For the latter i commend you, to many of us have self esteem problems- but blogging?? who really reads this crap?? Oh and my opinions are obviously the only ones that matter as there can only ever be one right answer for any question and i know them all. The start of this blog as i predict will enevitably lead to a cascade of closing down blog sales as the internet realises that he (or she im not a sexymantist) no loner has the role of information and entertainment provider. You all of you and your arrogant and lofty pretentions and opinions are now defunct. So all of you can go fuck yourselves or each other if you prefer. This was not a clever attempt at irony btw i am actually just that good.