oh kay

oh God!
March 21st 2009 02:28
word file 2020……………….Mr fuckpants lost jessys game bout to get whcked.s. anywyas this writing bullshit is cutting into nmy facebook time. Bastards really do exist……. Not like the vampires or anything else, actually children out of wedlock---strange word. And im in a strange mood but I figured hey tim you lazy fuck wad you need to start writing otherwise your life will have nothing electronically stored to show except photos--- true story motherfucker. Rumrum rum I like sex in the bum bumb bumbum. Yes really…… And no I cant say anything intelligent without either coming across pretentious or just plain stupid so I wont try. People in my experience either expect way too much or way too little of me and I don’t know which iprefer. What would you???? And after all these years and all my theories I still am no more sure about anything. Questions questions damned questions always fucking questions. Always trying to learn,,, always felling like im getting dumber by the day……..and my pretentions keep growing my need for grandiose fantasies evolve like evolution. Yeah that’s right evolution. That’s the buzz word that’s everything in a nut shell………… everything!!!!!!! Don’t think about it just live it and believe it follow the path.. yes that’s right evolve… accept change let it change you become stronger live develop…… be free fluid like a poplar in the wind…. Know your roots but accept change as the dominant force in life……… amen. And some other men also like finishing the days non sensical writing mid sentence. Even the non religious know that God plays games, maybe he’s seeing weather we can work out the puzzle maybe its nothing all I know is that somewhere deep inside everyone of us he instilled ( btw ladies the he thing is an convention and nothing more, for he is not any entity that any word backed by any conception of semantic value can accurately give meaning to. ‘He’ exisits outside our sphere which sadly includes all forms of human language and understanding.—and yet in some insignificant way we can come to know him which in turn can or maybe should be the most significant aspect of our own existence. WE NEED HIM!!!!!!!) the desire, --- no the need to be someone, something important. Our assessment of value is deeply entrenched in that. Look what happens when our own heirachy ( a sadly nessesary one) systematically takes apart ones value (ones desire to be valued)—columbine etc. People, most likely good people or at least with the same capacity for good and evil as we have decide that the only way they can recoup even the smallest portion of their value is to take away others, in the way that our own (nessesary!!) heirachy has done to them. Now im not saying that the bullies who drove these people to these things were behaving well but their behaviour just like these sad gunmen can be easily explained within our real social lexicon, not the code of behaviour that everyone can see through. Most people will cheat to get ahead if they can get away with it. After all life is a game of numbers--- of odds everyone plays the odds with one goal to try and live up to this need for value that this one cruel God has instilled in us knowing well that now there are far too many of us for everyone to have a slice of cake, some will, actually many many will die in the fight for the crumbs when they realize that the cake is gone. And I now have to live with the knowledge that I have to develop my own complex strategy to gain just a few crumbs, now I have a child on the way and a wife I have no choice but to prepare for the fight- to the death. And yes I will be willing to die for them to live willing to kill, whatever it takes. And some people (normally those safe in their fortresses eating a tasty slice) say they cannot understand these ‘bad men’ those that stole those that killed. This is our societies problem- most societies problem. The situations the worlds we get into are nearly always of our quest our need for value and our absolute need to protect and provide for our families. There is no absolute right or wrong in this world and I would speculate to say that there is no absolute anything. Einstein came up with more than a new way to look at space time and light, relativity applies to everything. Relativity and evolution are the two most important concepts to humanity. This world is too great for any one human to reconcile everything and yet our language—all language fails in some aspect when trying to combine all our efforts. I fear no fear is the wrong word I know that humans will not transcend our own bodies on masse. That is we cannot deny our own bodies our own biology the apparent key to our existence. And yet we have a taste ablissfull moment of enlightenment of truth before we realize that what stops us from floating away from finding our true utopia is that dreaded teather our own needs our own dreaded bodies. I cant think consistently or write consistently I hate reading im a terrible speller. But I get what I convince my self to believe to be magnificent, glorious insights into everything but not the genuine capacity to communicate it. Those fleeting moments encompass my value this being my feeble attempt to secure it. My curse as I suspect many others in the world is to be critically aware of my own impotence. This makes my path toward God a difficult one, for I am not predisposed to believing whole heartedly in anything let alone some force that governs my own existence for does that not diminish my personal value the one instilled by the very same force. We are meant to believe in God and not truly understand him and yet he ahs gifted me with questions, endless questions. Did I mention that I am not religious it’s a usefull way of enforcing a moral code,, a nessesary aspect of human evolution. And still there is this question of value. Oh well as the French say cest la vieBack to it again and now I have nothing to say. The world still confuses me despite all my attempts to tame the chaos to find a complete understanding I still find my self rehashing,, constantly going over the same concepts and crap again ad finitum. And where do I place my self modern working class??? Closet intellectual?? Why do I need to class myself as anything?? The latter is certainly the easiest to answer. That is we (humans) seem to need to put a box around everything to understand it. This I believe is the limit of human understanding. I always thought chaos theory is an oxymoron and I still believe that. There is no meaning in chaos only order-- all ordered systems have a specific discrete meaning in isolation ofcourse!! And we could know everything if and only if chaos never played a part but alas life is just a constant contest between order and chaos. What a jip oh fuck really God is order chaos is the devil and we need both. With out chaos evolution doesn’t exist. Without chaos there is no change . What ever the nature of chaos we need it it is nessesary though not always nice. Chaos creates the context the the essence of the concept of relativity. Each chaotic event creates a context to view an ordered sytem and in hindsight we can understand the ordered system in that context the context itself becomes part of the order. What then is chaotic is the unpredictability of each newly arriving context. Everytime man believes that he has included another chaotic process into his ordered system another chaotic process arrives. I believe that we will never find an order in chaos as I have said the nature of knowledge of understanding is to order it and as such to fully understand chaos we would have to eliminate it in which case it would not exist which in turn would devalue all knowledge as the concept of order itself would be defunct. The universe would be static maybe time itself would stop. It’s an interesting thought anyway. Man are these streaming toughts getting to me see what I mean and this itself was just supposed to be cathartic instead my head is pounding and im still having difficulty stopping oh no here it goes……………………….. na just kidding. This for anyone who ever reads it is my latest possibly my last attempt to find the bottom of myself………… the bottom of my thoughts. I am hoping as to where this may lead so again I realize just how human I am and by human I mean like everyone else. People think we are all different but we all share pretty much the same motivations. Here’s a question is a sociopath a sociopath if he never interacts with another organism in his entire life???? Interstin question.. I wonder if I will ever find my niche that’s all I want to make the most out of my mind. But how I don’t want to settle. I believe that I might be absurdly arrogant by being almost bipolar about arrogance and humility and again I don’t know if I want to save every one or kill everyone. I went through a phase in my life maybe a good 6 or 7 years ago that I believed that I was the type of person who could either be a earthly representation of jesus or satan I believe that all people with the requisite understanding would have to make a choice positive or negative. And again the understanding of such concepts is a matter of perspective……………. Relativity!!!!!!!!! I bet the marine animals of the world oh and the terrestrial aren’t that stoked that humans are doing so well because it is at their cost. Jesus you wnaker!!!!!!!! Alright that’s it im having a break fuck off all of you ! im serious don’t let me see your eyes hit this page for one more second… See what I mean by arrogant I would say lol. No hold on I did.